The decision was made to speak on a topic that is very near and dear to my heart

“Low Self-Esteem”.

Sitting here in my bedroom with all the lights out and a candle burning, I felt compelled to discuss this topic that many have dealt with or dealing with currently. Many of us know what it’s like to be laughed at, mocked, teased, bullied and so forth. I myself have dealt with being mocked for having nice clothes, how my mother styled my hair, how smart I was, my mother wanted me to go to Catholic School instead of Public School. The simple fact that I was very good at dancing, I had many hidden talents. How my mom gave a damn about my appearance so much so she took me to a dentist so I can get braces on my teeth due to an injury I sustained when I was a toddler. Below I’m going to get real about my life experiences:

Once I hit puberty my clear skin began to change due to hormonal influences therefore I developed “Acne”. Which is genetic both my parents had “Acne”. My father was the only one out of my paternal grandmother’s children whom had it the worst. My father developed it from his mother. My mother was the only one out of my maternal grandmother’s children whom had it as well. Lastly out of the 3 children my father has I’m the only one whom had to deal with “Acne”. With everything that was going on within my body, starting my period at the age of 10 developing breasts, hips starting to widen, booty poking out naturally I went through a very tough time.

The incident that forever changed how I truly felt about myself occurred when I was about 12 years old. I was talking to a guy over the phone for a few months which during that time we considered ourselves dating. The time had arrived for us to meet each other. Needless to say I was so excited to finally meet him in person. So we decided to meet half way on this hill in my old neighborhood at a certain time so I was filled with excitement when I began to see him in the distance. Once we got face to face the expression on his face was the utter look of disgust when he looked at me. To add insult to injury he stated that he heard a then best friend was prettier than me. At that moment my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I’ve never been so humiliated in all of my life. I remember me running back down the hill to my home & never wanted to come outside ever again. During the course of my teenage years, I never felt like I was good enough. It didn’t matter how nice my clothes were, how my hair was done I just didn’t feel good about my appearance. I cried a lot people still talked about my skin asking me why do I have so many bumps on my face. Those girls over there only have like 1 or 2 bumps but you have them all over your face. Secondly when you factor in I wore braces until my 8th grade year of middle school. My breast weren’t as big as other girls so I got teased for that. My butt was big naturally and was teased for that. At the age of 14 my hips began to widen consequently I was teased for that. My mother was a Texas native so being around her all my life I naturally have a “Southern Twang” in my voice and yes was teased for sounding country.

My mother & I have been on every form of “Acne” treatments together. We’ve tried everything from Renitol as well as Accutane which was very harsh on the skin but it gave us awesome results. Even when my skin cleared up it seemed like it still wasn’t enough. I felt like no one was attracted it to me and the ones that I did date lasted briefly. It bothered me that once I broke up with someone they found someone else & stayed in relationships with them for longer periods of time. Which developed into the dysfunction of comparing myself to other people. I began to develop this mindset that oh he likes her because her stomach is flatter, or oh he’s more into her because she’s prettier, or she has lighter skin or, she’s taller, or she’s more sexually active than me or they knew I was a virgin and that’s all they wanted from me, the list is endless. I would stay single for long periods of time because when situations didn’t work out I thought it had everything to do with my appearance. My mother did the best she could by letting me know how pretty I was but I didn’t believe her. I believed that what they boy told me. Once you believe something it’s hard to re-train your brain to think otherwise about yourself. Fast forwarding to 2011 while on Facebook, I saw that the guy whom made me feel like I was the ugliest person he had ever seen commented on a mutual friend’s post. Until that moment I had been looking for him on Facebook because I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. Nevertheless I couldn’t find him because it wasn’t time. In brief, when I looked at his profile pic I said to myself it’s him & I sent him a lengthy message.

Basically I told him who I was, what he did to me has such a negative effect on me & my self-esteem. I told him how difficult it had been to be in relationships or wanting to be in relationship with someone whom accepted me for who I was a person not so much as my appearance. The last thing I told him was I hoped that he never has a daughter & someone make her feel the way her made me feel. All in all he did respond and knew exactly who I was by apologizing for how he treated me and how it made me feel. Ironically he forgot the person whose appearance he compared me too back then.

In God’s divine order he knew I needed that moment so that I can be able to release the rage, resentment, anger & pain from this incident. The weight that lifted off my heart and chest was very liberating. I cried so many tears because at the moment I was free. Forgiveness is not one of my best qualities because if you have wronged me for any reason or in any way I want to make your pay for it. Growth can make your forgive the worst person. And I did just that. He then asked for an opportunity to look at me again, that won’t be happening anytime soon. Don’t want relive the trauma of that 1st experience. Furthermore I had a much need conversation with my father. I explained to him everything that he never knew about me because of his absence for most of my childhood/teenage years. I explained to him that as a man with 3 daughters his job was to speak life into his children. I elaborated to my father that if he would’ve encouraged me by telling me how beautiful I was the effect on that one incident would’ve have made such an impact on my self-esteem.

Turning “40” in 2016 was transitioning rebirth. On the dawn of my “40th” birthday I felt a newfound beauty within myself. I became totally comfortable with who I was as a woman and as a person. It has been a task to look at myself in the mirror & love the person that I see. Once the blinders came off I was able to see me as I truly am. A smoking hot sexy ass woman. I’ve always been sexy that is one thing I did know about myself but now you can’t take me nothing. The reconstruction of my body is for me. Not doing all this work for no one but for self. Over time with the scaring on my face my pores have become enlarged & I still experience breakouts but I know how to deal with it now. Most importantly I will be trying organic/vegan natural products for my skin. I want to be the best me as I can be.

In conclusion, to whomever is reading this post I advise you to love everything about yourself. People are going to talk about you why not give them something to talk about. Also don’t ever allow anyone to compare your physical attributes to anyone else. Don’t ever compare yourself to anyone you see on social media, on TV, in Hollywood, the magazines, the blogs etc. Don’t allow social media to make you feel less than because in actuality what is seen on these sites isn’t real. People do the most for social media to be seen. Love your bodies, love your height, embrace your natural beauty including your skin tone, rock your natural hair etc. Always know that you are beautiful just the way you are God didn’t make any mistakes on you. You are supposed to look the way you are. Most importantly if a man tries to come at you in a disrespectful way by downplaying your appearance by saying you’re pretty for a big girl, or you’re pretty for a dark skin girl, or if you just relax your hair you would look so much better, if you work out you would be a dime piece, and so forth. Please don’t allow someone’s preference make you feel less than beautiful. Always know that there is a person out there that would love you just the way you are.  In the same fashion you must love yourself first!